My mind has been playing tricks on me.

It’s not allowing me to think about my mom. I find that I’ll be doing something and the thought of her pops into my head, and immediately I think of something else.

I haven’t been sad, I haven’t been happy, I just… am.

My mind won’t allow me to feel the grief. I’m starting to worry. I’m not dealing with this, it’s like I’m just pretending it never happened.

But I’m not in denial. I know my mother is dead. It’s like my brain is in self-presevervation mode right now. The pain and the sadness and tremendous sense of loss that I felt in the week after her death seem to have ended right after her funeral.

This can’t be normal. Shouldn’t I be depressed? Shouldn’t I be crying every moment I’m awake?

And there’s something else, something that’s even more worrisome. My brain is trying to trick myself into thinking, “Oh, you weren’t that close to your mom. She didn’t mean as much to you as you thought she did.” And I find myself forgetting details, forgetting memories.

Will there come a time when I can’t remember anything about my mom? Will there come a time when all the feelings I’ve been burying will come to the surface and cripple me?

I’m starting to feel guilt, for these feelings I haven’t been having.

I’m having trouble completing my thoughts.

I don’t know what to do.