How to drink beer

I feel like it is my responsibility to share with you all the proper way to drink the first beer of the day. Now, I’ve been doing this for a long time so I feel like I am well qualified for the task. Let us begin, shall we?

Step 1.
You’ve had a long day at school or work. It’s hot outside, and you’re thirsty. Open the front door, but leave it open! This step is very important.

Step 2.
Go straight to the kitchen and open the refridgerator door. You must leave this door open as well. Do not skip this step.

Step 3.
Reach waaaaaaaaaay in the back of the fridge, where the coldest beers live. Grab one.

Step 4.
Stand there with the front door open and the fridge open. Crack open the beer. Extra points if it’s in a can. Double extra points if it’s a Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Step 5.
Drink the beer in three gulps. I know this might be difficult for some of you, but I assure you it can be done. Practice makes perfect!

Step 6.
Grab another beer and continue with your day.

So there you have it. If you follow these steps to success you too can be a professional. Just like me.

Just a girl

You meet a girl. You exchange smiles, a few words, and you go on your way. Wow. There was something kinda cool about that girl. Try not to think too much about that girl.

Hey, she works in the department office. Hmmm… now I have an excuse to pop in and say hi. Hey she seems pretty cool. She’s smiling, she’s laughing at my jokes, she just touched my arm and stood next to me while filling out this form. Bah, try not to think too much about this girl.

Isn’t that the girl? Yeah, I know her. Hey, what’s up? You like Roman history too? Yeah, I’ve had Dr. Minor before, he’s awesome. I wonder if this girl would go out with me? Hi, I’m Tom. I’m 32 and I don’t have a job.

I’ll just sit a few rows back. She always sits up front. I like it back here, I can be anonymous. Hey she turned around and smiled at me. I see you, twirling your hair around your finger. Fine, I’ll smile back.

Hey, what’s up? Good lecture huh? Where you off too right now? Deep breath. I’m calm, I’m relaxed, I’m hip, I can dig it. Hey, you wanna go get a beer? Yeah, let’s go to The Bear. Sierra? Good girl, she likes beer.

Let’s sit outside, sure. Man, this girl is cute. Don’t blow this, Tom. What? A smoke? No, I’m cool. You go ahead. Awww man. Smoker. Buh.

Your boyfriend bought you that huh? Yeah, it’s nice. He lives in San Francisco eh? Yeah, I’m from Hayward I know The City. No I don’t want another beer. I gotta get to class, I need to get going. Yeah, we should do this again sometime. See ya.

Boyfriend eh? SIGH. Ahhh you were a smoker anyway.