Clean sweep

This weekend was hard. I’m just not ready to let go of my mother’s things. I found myself getting angry. Angry that my father and sisters were erasing my mother’s memory from the house. Rationally, I know that’s not what they wanted to do or were doing. But these days I feel irrational.

I know this feeling is likely a common one. I know I shouldn’t be angry with them, but I couldn’t help it. I know that’s not at all what they were trying to do. I KNOW that they were not trying to erase my mother’s memory. It’s a confusing feeling, but I couldn’t help it.

We found so many things. My mother kept EVERYTHING. There were letters to her from her father when she was going to San Jose State. Old mothers day cards. So many personal things, so many memories. I just wasn’t ready to go through them. It hurts having to decide what to keep or throw away.

I want to keep my mother’s memory alive. Seeing all her things in the house still give me some comfort. It’s weird. For years I’ve wanted to clean out this house, to get rid of all the junk. Fantasized about it even. But now that my mother is gone I want to keep her things around.

I’ve always been a light-travelin’ kind of guy. Normally, if I don’t use something for a year I throw it away. I don’t attach memories to physical objects. But now? I know exactly how my mother felt.

When my mom’s parents died she kept sooo many things, things I thought were junk. But now I finally understand.

So all I was able to do this weekend was help take boxes and bags of trash/recycle/donate outside, and down to the trucks. It’s all I could do. I felt helpless and worthless, but I didn’t want my family to see me break down, and that’s what I felt like I was ready to do.

Connections

Technology is cool. Computers are cool. The Internet is very cool.

My computer is my hot rod. You know how some guys spend all weekend on their cars? Under the hood, changing the oil, messin’ with the stereo and speakers, replacing the water pump? Well, I do that sort of thing too, but I do with my computer.

I’ve spent entire weekends ripping apart my computer. I’ll clean each individual part and place it back inside the case carefully. I’ll organize all the wires and make it look neat and clean. Or I’ll reorganize my network, or mess with the firewall, stuff like that.

My computer is also my pub. You know how some people go to their favorite bar after work? They relax and have a drink, chat with friends, socialize, read the paper or watch the news? Hey, I do that too, but I do it on the Internet. I like to play video games with my friends online. We chat using VOIP (voice over Internet, works like a big ol’ telephone conference call) or if we don’t feel like talking we can just type.

Hey, I’m a social guy. I just like to socialize with my friends online. My hacker buddies live all over the country, the world even. I’ve got friends in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Trinidad, Texas… The Internet brings us all together.

My mother’s death has been hard on me. However, it’s made easier with this technology at my fingertips. I never have to feel lonely. My friends are as close to me as a few milliseconds away.

My computer hooked up to the Internet is my connection to the world, my friends, and just about everything.