I feel pretty good today. Not yet my old self, but better. Going out last night was an interesting experience. It reaffirmed my belief that I don’t belong here.
Last night I lay awake in bed, thinking about my next move. Back to Long Beach? Chico? I’m not so sure now. Past experience has taught me that you can never go back, you can never go back… I think I’m looking back on my years in the LBC and Chico through rose-colored glasses. Am I just feeling nostalgic? I know I can’t move back to either one of those places and expect things to be the same.
The more I think about moving back to my old stomping grounds, the more this feeling of “maybe I shouldn’t” grows inside me. In recent years I’ve thought of myself as somewhat of a tumbleweed, a nickname one of my good friends in Chico gave me. Maybe I need to try something new? A new adventure perhaps? Maybe out of state? I don’t know.
I’m somewhat sure that I want to stay in California, but where can I go? I want it all. I want mountains and beach, culture, energy, atmosphere, excitement…
I’m also pretty sure that I’m wasting my time in the technology industry. It’s been a good four years since I worked in the biz. I’ve applied at so many places for tech jobs I’ve lost count–and not a single callback. I either need to get super lucky, or I need to pick a new career.
Laying in bed awake until 7am last night it dawned on me that I have a pretty worthless degree. I always thought that just having a college degree was all that matters. Now that I’ve left academia it’s become apparent to me that this is not always true. I need more marketable skills. A bachelor’s of the arts in Liberal Studies: focus Computer Science and a minor in History pretty much fences me into education. I do not want to be a teacher.
I do not want to teach elementary, high school, or junior college. A phD is required to teach on the university level, and I just don’t see myself doing that. I could teach junior college, but I’ll need a Master’s degree for that. I’m not too hip on the idea of more college. I want to work–now. I don’t want to be a starving student for the next 2-3 years. I also know that I’m not meant to work in an office. The thought of 9 to 5 fills my body with revulsion. I just don’t know what to do.
The thought of a minimum wage job or entry-level position I feel is beneath me. I consider myself an intelligent person. I know I can do better than that. I don’t want to go back and work in the bar-restaurant biz either–I feel like the only career options in that field is promotion to manager. I am not management material either.
Sigh. I just don’t know what to do. I need to do some real soul searching I guess.
I love to write. It’s the one thing that I’m confident that I do well. Perhaps I need to look into that some more?
