Finally home after a nice trip visiting friends and family. I spent a few days in Hayward with the folks, 1 day with Scott, and 1 day at my sister Becky’s. I got back to Chico about 3 hours ago.

Home. “Home”. What a weird word, it seems. I don’t know where home is anymore. This isn’t the first time I’ve felt this way. Through the years I’ve moved sooo many times–each place feels like home for a little while, then the feeling fades.

When I got out of boot camp, 13 years ago, I came back to my folk’s house in Hayward, the place I spent the first 19 years of my life. I was only gone for 3 months, and yet it didn’t feel like home anymore. In the short amount of time I was gone so much had changed. As the rest of my enlistment slowly unfolded, I found myself coming back to Hayward to visit much less often. My new home was Long Beach.

Long Beach felt like home for a good 10 years. I’d move away for short amounts of time–6 months in Irvine, 18 months in Garbage Grove, 6 months in Fountain Valley. Orange County didn’t feel like home, and so I always moved back to the good ol’ LBC.

When Cindy left me I needed a change. I moved back to Hayward, where I spent a peaceful year before moving to Chico. I’ve spent the last 2 and a half years here, and always felt happy and comfortable. Chico has been my home, up until recently.

Since graduating I’ve felt the need to move on. I’ve finally made the decision to leave, set a date, and begun to pack. This town that I’ve loved so much since I got here no longer feels like home. Once again, it’s time to move on.

So what now? Back to Long Beach? It’s looking that way. There are many job opportunities for me in SoCal, much more so than the Chico area. And, as my father recently pointed out, my real friends live in Long Beach.

So I’ll moving outta here on Monday, August 16th. I predict a short stay in Hayward, then most likely a move back to the town that felt like home for the bulk of my adult life–Long Beach.

It’s been six weeks since the railroad job fiasco. I’ve tried looking for work in the area, but haven’t had any luck. I like Chico, and I thought I wanted to stay.

Well I’m just about broke. I can’t waste any more time looking for a job in the Chico area. Well, I suppose I could find a job picking up dog poop–but I haven’t exactly been looking for that sort of thing.

I’ve decided to move back to Hayward for a bit. Back to my folks’ house, so I can regroup. My last day in Chico will be Monday the 16th. I don’t particularly like the Bay Area, but I know I’ll have a much better chance at finding a decent job.

One step closer to Long Beach, I suppose. I’ll be applying to grad schools in that area, as well as looking for work. If I can find a job, a place, and get accepted to CSULB I’ll be able to avoid the one thing I hate more than Joy Tansey–traffic.

But then, you never know with me. I just might get a wild hair and take a job picking up poop in Montana.

Cindy made a cameo in my dreams last night. Usually when I dream about Cindy it’s a long, drawn out plot. It usually involves me being with her, fighting with her, exploring with her, loving her.

However, last night in my dreams, I saw her and looked the other way, ignoring her. I was in a bar, and out of the corner of my eye I saw her sitting in a booth with another man. They were apart from each other, with sullen expressions on their faces. When she saw me her gaze locked, but expression did not change.

I can only guess at what this “means”, if anything. In the past when I dreamt of Cindy, I woke up feeling sad. This morning I woke up feeling empowered.

Perhaps now, finally, four years after breaking up, I’m free. Now, if I could only get these Michele dreams to go away…