Monthly Archives: May 2004

Turning Japanese-ah

You know what the best thing about Japan is? Beer vending machines. They’re everywhere. On street corners, bus stops, everywhere–including ski resorts. In fact, there are beer vending machines at the bottom of the ski lifts. While you’re waiting in line you pop in a few Yen, get a brew, and slam it on the ride up the mountain.

When you ski back down you just tuck and run. You don’t sashe, you don’t turn, you don’t finesse–no. You tuck and you race your friends down the hill, buzzed, going mach 7. The only time you’re allowed to slow down, is if you find an incredible jump that you just have to launch over. If this is the case, you stop with all your buddies. You egg each other on, and you go as fast as you can. You SOAR! through the air, and wipe out. Then you all laugh, tuck, and run down the hill. While waiting in line you buy another beer, and slam it on the way back up the mountain. Do this all day.

Now, when you’re good and drunk, find the jump again. This time start farther up the hill than everyone else. When you land, make sure you twist your knee, and seriously fuck it up. That way your ship will leave you in Yokosuka, while your friends go to places like Fiji, Bali, and Australia.

This is what happened to me. I got stuck in Yokosuka, which is about an hour South of Tokyo. But you know what? I loved it.

You see, I met this gal while I was there. Junko Komae, Japanese girl. Short, sexy, funny. I fell head over heels in love with her. I was 20 years old. She was 36. We were inseperable.

We went places. She took me to the clubs in Tokyo. We went to gigantic waterparks with waterslides that put ours to shame. We went to the park, the beach, the ocean, the river, the countryside–everywhere.

I met her family. Her mother and father, her brother and sister. We ate dinner and drank sake and sang karaoke.

Japan started to feel like home. I wanted to stay soooo bad. I forgot all about Hayward. After my knee operation and rehab, I made every effort to stay in Japan. I managed to stay there for six months. Finally I got my orders from Washington. I was being shipped back to Long Beach.

Tom Bissell, 20. Junko Komae, 36. We were both very happy and still very much in love. Six month relationship. I’m being shipped back to the States.

I tried not to think about it. The date kept marching closer, ever closer. I tried to explain to Junko what was going on. It was difficult. Her English was bad, and my Japanese was worse. We communicated in a sort of 3-year-old kind of way (except in the bedroom). Finally the day was upon me.

We spent the night in a love hotel right outside the base. These things are all over Japan. You can rent them by the hour. The Japanese see nothing shady about this set up. To them it’s all part of their popular culture. So anyway, this love hotel place? Totally decked out rooms. Mirrors on the ceiling, pornos on the TV, basket full of condoms and lotions on the bedside, vibrating bed, all that. They even had room service.

That night I lay awake next to Junko, mind racing, as usual. I was resigned to my fate. I knew I couldn’t stay in Japan. I had to go home. Home. Isn’t this home? What the fuck is home, anyway?

In the morning she walked me back to the main gate of the Navy base. We said our goodbyes, my voice quivering, her eyes blootshot and watery. I put on my happy face and promised to call her as soon as possible, knowing full well that I’d never see her again. We parted ways, I turned towards the gate, and tried to keep it together. The tears started pouring down my face. I flashed my military ID, and turned away so the guards wouldn’t see me crying. When I had gotten a safe distance away, I sat down and lost myself in uncontrollable, hysterical sobbing.

Six hours later I was waiting for my flight out of Tokyo International; 20 hours later I landed at San Francisco International. One week later I was back in Long Beach.

Junko and I wrote and called each other for several months. As time went on we grew more distant, and eventually we stopped calling. Then I turned 21, and my social life exploded.

I still think about Junko, from time to time. She’s gotta be 48 years old now. I wonder if she remembers me?

The Dream

I slept like crap again last night, tossing and turning, waking periodically. It sucks, I hate it, but it’s always been this way.

At 11:30 my body informed me it was tired, and that it was time to go to bed. At midnight I had the light out, in bed, ready to sleep. OK! We’re ready to sleep! OK, it’s time to sleep! Here we go! Annnnnnnnnnd… sleep!

Three hours later I’m still staring at the alarm clock that I love so much, its neon blue numbers staring back at me, taunting me.

I’ll try this side of the bed. No, how about this side? Now I’ll lay on my left side. Nah, how about the right side? Back and forth, trying everything, nothing working. Why couldn’t I sleep? I mean, I was TIRED, man. I was ready, too. I wanted to sleep, but it wasn’t happening. Why?

When I turn out the lights it’s like a signal to my brain to go into overdrive.

I spend so much time during the day occupying my brain, preventing thought on that which I should be focusing on. I go to school, pay attention to my lectures, come home and read/study/write… Then I relax with some Cartoon Network or some video games, and I turn out the lights. And then it starts.

How long will you live? Will you work until 62, live a couple years, and then die? How long will your friends live? Wouldn’t it be cool to live well into my 80s like Papa Earl, having a fulfilling life? Or will my lifestyle shave years off my life? How much longer will my parents be alive? They’re not looking so hot for two folks in their early 60s. What will I say at my father’s funeral?

Why the fuck am I thinking about these things when I’m laying in bed, trying to sleep? Why am I thinking these things when I’m only 32 years old, for that matter? Then the present takes over.

NorCal or SoCal, Chico or Long Beach? Railroad in Roseville or Long Beach? Or should I take a chance and try to make it was a writer? Nah, you have no talent, Tom. You can’t write, Tom. You have no formal training—you’re just a hack. Nobody cares about what you have to say anyway. Hey, Chico sure is nice, don’t you want to live here? What about Long Beach, don’t you miss Belmont Shore? Your friends? What if I run into Cindy, or Rosemary on 2nd Street? What will you do?

Why can’t I make up my mind? Why can’t I just settle on a career and do it? Why do I have to make things so difficult? Why can’t I just give up, and go along with everyone else?

By this time it’s 4am. I think I fell asleep for a little bit, but not very long. At any rate, I’m still awake, staring at the clock, now staring at the moon-lit window, and still thinking about shit. Finally, sleep comes and blesses me with her song.

It’s light outside and I’m awake again. What the fuck is that buzzing noise? I look at my watch. 7am. What the FUCK? I sit up in bed. There’s that buzzing noise again. You’ve got to be fucking shitting me. My neighbor is outside with his skilsaw, hacking up pieces of 2×4. Can I catch a break? Please? I have to be up in two hours.

I turn on my air conditioner, full blast. I turn on every computer I own. I turn on every fan I own. There. Hopefully this will drown out Mr. Assfuck’s god damn skilsaw. I hope he cuts off his fingers. Finally, I fall back asleep.

I dream. I’m there again, and I can see their faces—vividly—every one of them. I know every compartment, every door, and every ladder. I can hear the hum of the engines. I can smell that fucking PVC smell they used on the floors. I smell the fuel. I’m running through the hallways, looking for a way out. Lieutenant Risken blocks my way, and I try to barrel through him. Fireman Williams grabs me, makes a joke, and gets in my way. I punch him as hard as I can, knocking him out. I grab his body and throw it overboard, into the icy cobalt sea. Another sailor attacks me with a screwdriver and I’m forced to draw my knife. I inform him to stop, or I will defend myself. His beady eyes narrow and a devious grin spreads wide across his lips. He attacks me. I stab him repeatedly in the neck and face, while trying to hold back his attacks. The other officers are there, watching us. They join in, all attacking me at once. I run.

It’s 9am and the alarm is going off. I’m soaking wet. My heart feels like it is leaping out of my chest. I feel like I’m going to vomit. I sit bolt upright, try to focus. It was just a dream, I say to myself, breathing very heavily.

I’m free. I’m free, it was just a dream.

Nine years after getting out of the Navy I’m still having nightmares. Why won’t these go away? I wish they would just go away…

I couldn’t eat breakfast, my stomach was in knots. I walked to school this morning, creeped out, exhausted, feeling a little depressed.

This feeling stays with me all day. Now it’s late afternoon, and I still feel weary. I feel tired. I feel defeated. I feel sick. I always feel this way after a Navy nightmare. It lasts a couple days, and then it goes away.

It sucks, I hate it, but it’s always been this way.

The sickness

Thursday night I slept 10 hours. Friday morning I woke up, went to my first 2 classes, then came home. I then slept from 1pm to 7pm. Last night I slept another 10 hours, and this afternoon I took another six hour nap. And now it’s almost 10pm on Saturday night, and I feel like going back to sleep.

WTF? Am I fighting something off? Am I getting sick? If so, this is horrible timing… I have finals in one week.