No I’ll not renounce my views do what others do
I’d rather drink the hemlock than be like you, to my soul untrue
It never gets easier so quit tryin pleasing her
Everything is a choice so let me hear your voice
311 – Still Dreaming
Monthly Archives: November 2003
Happy Veteran's Day
Thirteen years ago Saddam Hussein invaded a little country on it’s South-Eastern border called Kuwait. The year was 1990 and I was eighteen years old. I had graduated from high school that year, and now it was Fall.
I remember that I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do after high school. I hadn’t applied to any colleges. I wasn’t even thinking about college. I just wanted to party and have a good time. Other friends were going to Indiana and Florida and Georgia, Southern California and Fresno for college–but not me. I just got finished with thirteen years of school, the last thing I wanted was to jump right back in. So I did nothing. I didn’t think about it, I didn’t apply anywhere, and I didn’t care.
I had other friends in the same boat as I. Dave and Brian, my 2 closest friends at the time hadn’t applied anywhere either. We were pretty much inseperable back then. We went surfing in Santa Cruz and Half Moon Bay like every other day. We partied every night. All we wanted was a good time. And that’s all I cared about.
But I was eighteen. I was a high school graduate. I was an adult, dammit. What’s with these fucking rules, Dad? What do you mean I have to be home at 1:30am Mom? What do you mean I can’t go out tonight because I went out last night? What a stupid reason. My other friends could stay out all night if they wanted. They didn’t have these stupid rules. I was pissed. I was angry.
All my life I’d fought my parents over freedom. I wanted to do what I wanted to do and that’s all there was to it. If I wanted to go somewhere and my parents said I couldn’t, I found a way to do it anyway. I remember as a kid my Mom telling me I couldn’t cross the street. Do you think I didn’t do that when she wasn’t watching? I remember my Mom telling me that I couldn’t go down to the liquor store while I was out on my paper route. Do you think I didn’t go? I remember my Dad telling me that if I drank ONE more time before my 21st birthday while I lived under his roof, he would kick me out of the house. What do you think I did the VERY next day? My life vs. my parents. It was a never ending battle, and I paid the price.
I spent my entire high school career on-again off-again restriction. I managed to get myself grounded for every one of my birthdays from 12 to 18, and EVERY New Year’s Eve. Usually it was for coming home late. Or drunk, or not being where I was supposed to be. My parents would put me on restriction for a week or two at a time. Then I’d sneak out while on restriction, and get caught, and get another two weeks restriction. When I got off restriction I’d go right back out and fuck up again. You’d think I’d learn, but I didn’t. To me there was nothing to learn. I was going to do what I damn well pleased and that’s all there was to it. I’d lie and try to get away with it. I’d do it behind their backs. It was my life, and I’ll be damned if someone is going to tell me what to do, like a fucking slave or a prisoner. I felt no guilt for these actions, ever.
You know, I can’t believe I got away with everything I did back then. I only got caught for maybe 5% of all the shit I pulled. And that’s surprising considering that my Mom would wait up for me every night when I went out. I hated that. That meant that I had to be somewhat sober when I walked in the door(I was never sober when I came home, ever).
Every time it was the same drill:
Mom: Come over here. Look at me. What’s wrong with your eyes? Where have you been?
Me: Oh, me and Dave and Brian went to see Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It was OK.
Mom: Why are you slurring your words?
Me: Oh I’m just really tired.
Mom: Come over here. Breathe on me.
(I hated this part)
Mom: You smell like you’ve been drinking.
Me: Oh I was kissing some girl who was drinking a wine cooler.
I hated that crap. The interrogation went on and on and on. Finally she’d let me go to bed. So I usually got away with it. Except for the times I was swaying and didn’t care, or puking on the front lawn, or passed out on the deck.
So most of the time I’d get away with it. I could think of lies lickety split. They weren’t all good, but I always had an answer. And I never violated the number one rule: always, ALWAYS stick to your lies. NEVER back down. No matter what. Even when you’re caught red-handed. If you’re good, and I was, you’ll believe them yourself. All of us guys are pretty good at it. Me, Scott, and Dave. We’ve had years of practice. You see, if you never back down the other person starts to believe you; you start to sway them–no matter how outrageous or how bad the lie is. Wow, this sounds terrible. But it’s true. And hey, it was either lie for some freedom or stay home all the time and never have any fun.
So anyway…
Here it is, November 1990. And I’m fed up. I’m sick and tired of my parents and their fucking rules. I felt like a rat in a cage. I wanted out. I wanted to scream. I just didn’t see any options. At the time I was working at Bronco Billie’s Pizza Palace up behind CSU Hayward. I just didn’t make enough money to move out. I didn’t want to go to college, what was I going to do? I felt helpless.
Then Brian started talking about the Navy.
It’s his fault. I totally blame him. He’s the one that got me into this. Brian’s brother Brad was in the Navy, and Brian started thinking about joining. And Brad had the best stories! All the fun he’d had in Japan, Singapore, Australia, Hawaii… it all sounded so great to a young 18 year old kid. So I started going to see the recruiters with Brian. Hey, guess what, they had fantastic stories too! It sounded like one big party.
This was my ticket to freedom. No more rules from Mom and Dad. I could be an adult. I could make my own choices. I could stay out all night if I wanted to. Just think of all the places I’d see and all the fun I was going to have! Hell yeah! I was hooked. I was sold. I was suckered in. I signed on the dotted line.
That night, November 28th 1990, with the country on the brink of war, I came home late (intentionally). My parents were pissed. They wanted to know where I’d been. I simply said (and I’ll never forget this):
“Mom. Dad. I just joined the Navy. And there is NOTHING you can do about it.”
And I went to my bedroom and shut the door. I was grinning like a fucking idiot. I was so goddamn happy! FINALLY! FREEDOM! I couldn’t sleep that night. Years later I would find out that I wasn’t the only one in that house that couldn’t sleep that night (sorry Mom and Dad, I really was terrible, wasn’t I?).
Several weeks later I was in boot camp, with the USA at war in Iraq.
So that makes me a veteran of Gulf War I. And since yesterday was Veteran’s Day, happy Veteran’s Day to me.
I like to sleep
The alarm went off at 10:30am. I had that sick feeling in my stomach that one gets from lack of sleep–a vomity kind of feeling. My head was a bit fuzzy, but that’s always the case when I wake up. It doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, I always have that “not quite there” feeling first thing in the morning.
I stumbled over to the alarm clock, the same one I’ve had since I was in high school. Yeah, I know, that was a long time ago. I HATE that thing. When it goes off it scares the crap out of me. I sit upright in bed, heart pounding, confused, breathing irregular and heavy. I hate that alarm clock. So I get out of bed and walk across the room and SMACK the snooze button. I had to put it somewhere away from the bed, so I’d have to get up to turn it off. I can remember some Saturday mornings when I’d set the alarm for 10:00am and smacked the snooze every 9 minutes until after noon. Somehow if I have to get out of bed, I stay up. This morning was no different.
I stumbled to the sink and got my favorite tumbler. It’s an old 32oz Moose McGillycuddy’s plastic drink cup I’ve had for almost 8 years now. I filled it with water and opened the front door to let some fresh air into the apartment.
It’s a beautiful day, the sun is shining and not a cloud in the sky. There is only a hint of winter in the air, only a little chill. No wind either. I hate wind. I’ve always hated the wind. I hated it in highschool when I had “flock of seagulls” hair (as Dave Finn called it). My bangs were really long, down past my chin, and the wind wreaked havoc on my ‘do. I hated it as a surfer, especially in SoCal. The wind picks up around 10am in Huntington Beach, and by noon the waves are slop. Those who know me well, know that I’m not a morning person. So most days when I went to surf my sessions only lasted about an hour. I just couldn’t get up early enough. I hate the wind as a fly fisherman. The wind makes it very difficult to place my fly in the spot I want. Some days it’s just impossible to cast. So anyway, I hate the wind. Today there isn’t any, and I am glad for it.
I walked back inside my apartment and made for the fridge. After water, food is the second thing on my mind every morning. No food, as usual. Not even an apple or anything to hold me over until I get to school. I’ve been meaning to go to the store for like, a week now. Again, those who know me well, know that I am the world’s biggest procrastinator. Sigh. OK maybe I’ll have some coffee. My stovetop aluminum coffee perculator hasn’t been cleaned from last night’s decaf brew. The little bugger has been a good friend to me all these years. It’s been camping in Mexico, San Bernardino National Forest, San Clemente, Santa Cruz mountains, Yosemite, Joshua Tree, and all over the mountains local to Chico. It’s dented just about everywhere, and has black coffee stains down the side, right under the spout. I remember buying it used from the Salvation Army in Long Beach, the day I got out of the Navy (way back in 1995). I think it was less than a buck. There were 3 sitting on the shelf, all pretty much identical. However the other two looked pretty new. This one, the one I have now, called out to me. It was beaten down, used. That’s pretty much how I felt after my 4 year torture that was the Navy. But I still had some fight in me, as I started my new life, and this coffee perculator symbolized the same. So I bought the little guy and he’s been with me ever since.
Well I want coffee this morning, but I don’t feel like cleaning the pot. So I stand there, in my kitchen, unmoving. Thinking. Trying to get a grip on the day. No food. No motivation to clean the coffee pot. Crabby. Still tired. Not quite awake yet. Will I go to the gym today? Naw, I don’t feel like it. I’m getting sick I think. I need to rest. This is the same thing I go through every day. Yet somehow I manage to get my butt to the gym. I don’t want to do it, but I do anyway. Dammit, if I can get to the gym why can’t I clean this damn pot and make some damn coffee? A glance at my watch tells me I need to get in the shower and get to school, so I can get some food before class. With another sigh I get into the bathroom.
I take off my clothes and stare at myself in the mirror like I do every morning, studying my body, while waiting for the water to warm up. For the last 5 years or so I’ve been wondering, “Who *IS* that guy in the mirror? That’s not me. That’s not Tom Bissell. Tom Bissell is a young man, not some aging 30 something…” I look at my hairline for the 100th time this week and I am convinced I’m losing my hair. Everyone tells me differently, but I know they are just lying. The same way a man tells his wife, “No honey, of course that outfit doesn’t make you look fat.” Well my hair isn’t turning grey like my other friends, and my barbers tell me it’s still the thickest head of hair they’ve ever seen. But none of that matters to me. I’m positive my hairline is receding. I back away and look at my body in the mirror again, this time from the side. I’ve lost 30 pounds since August. I can see the difference. I’m starting to look like the old Tom Bissell, the young guy, the fresh-out-of-Navy Tom Bissell. But not quite yet…
So I shower, and get dressed, and leave for school. While walking the 1 mile to campus I notice that the trees are starting to turn colors, and some leaves are starting to fall. Once on campus I go straight to the cafeteria and get my favorite–roast turkey supper. While I’m paying for my food I wink at the cashier girl and she blushes. Does she think I’m cute? Or does she think I’m just an old man? I wonder how old she is? I ponder this while getting my change. I take my food outside.
The patio area at CSU Chico is elevated above the the main artery walkway on campus. There are ampitheater style steps below the patio where one can sit and read a book and/or people watch. As I sit down to eat I notice two punk rocker chicks walking towards me, making up the steps. One girl has a shaved head, except for her bangs, which are dyed hot pink. She has black and white striped knee-high socks on, which I think look ridiculous. Her septum is pierced. Her little friend sitting next to her has no piercings, but has tattoos all up and down her arms. On the back left arm is a tattoo of a naked lady with huge tits, which I think looks like something a sailor back in WWII would have gotten. One girl has an attractive face, the hot pink bangs girl, but her get-up is so un-attractive I don’t give it another thought. Naked boobie girl looks like a 10 year old stick. I don’t know them, but I know they are just going to have a seat and chat. I don’t mind. Then one girl asks the other for a cigarette. I normally don’t mind smokers, I used to be one. But I quit smoking back in May, and sometimes I get tempted. This morning however I am not tempted. I just don’t want to smell smoke while I’m eating. Bah! Then fate intervenes.
As one girl starts to light up, the other girl spills her coffee all over herself and her friend. The liquid is running down the steps, all over the concrete benches. The two girls jump up and try to wipe the spilt coffee off their jeans. And I can’t help but smirk. The two girls decide to go sit somewhere else. I finish my meal of sweet justice. Then I go to class…
…And now I’m home, in a fantastic mood. I think I’ll even go to the grocery store.