I am a night person. When normal people are getting ready for bed, I’m in my prime. Midnight is usually when I feel the most awake.

I’ve been this way all my life. I’ve heard people say things like, “If I sleep too late, I feel like I’m wasting my day.” I beg to differ. If I go to bed early I feel like I’m wasting my night!

Nothing interesting happens during the day. People go to school or they go to work. Boring! Night time is when the fun stuff happens. Bars aren’t packed during the day (usually).

People are more social at night. Dinner parties, pubs and nightclubs, leisure time. Day is when you do stuff you’re supposed to do–work, school, the bank, errands…

I like the night! I’m fascinated with astronomy and the night sky–the best time for viewing is at night. I consider myself a social creature, and therefore, I prefer the night. Maybe it has something to do with being born at 8:20pm on December 29th 1971?

I also have trouble falling asleep. For some reason, when I lie down to go to sleep, my brain thinks it’s time to think. I think about my own mortality, things I need to do, past experiences, things I’d like to do in the future. Even when I’m exhausted, I still find it hard to fall asleep. Even when I’m drunk, I still can’t fall asleep right away.

When I was a kid I didn’t have a shade or blinds on the window by my bed. I remember there was this street lamp that would shine right through the window. I’d stare at that stupid light forever wishing I could fall asleep. My sisters slept in the room next to mine, and they would be asleep in minutes. But not me, oh no! I’d lay there, pissed that they could fall asleep so easily, while I lay there, wide awake for hours sometimes.

If the family was going to do something fun the next day, like on Christmas eve or if we were going camping or on vacation, I could pretty much forget about sleeping. Every so often I’d glance over at the clock–11:23, 12:01, 1:47, etc…

Every so often my sleep patterns will get really out of whack. One day I’ll sleep for like 12 hours to catch up on all my lost sleep for the week. This really fucks me. Next thing you know I’ll be going to sleep at 9am and sleeping all day. In an effort to try to get back on track I’ll try to stay awake for 24 hours. You’d think after being awake so long I’d be really tired and fall asleep right away… nope! I’ll lay there for an hour at least. Finally, after a few days of the 24 hour thing, I’ll get it right and fall asleep early, like before midnight! But this doesn’t last more than a week, and I’m right back to falling asleep at 4am and waking up at noon.

I like to sleep. When I was in high school I’d sleep my weekends away. Saturday and Sunday I rarely work up before 1pm. I really do need a solid 8 hours to be happy. Unfortunately I rarely get it. As I get older I find it harder to stay in bed. My back hurts and I need to get up. I’ll go a week or so of getting 6 hours, and then one day I’ll sleep for 12. Like last night, I fell asleep at 3am and today I woke up at 4pm. That’s 13 hours, for those of you counting. My back hurt like hell, but I managed to sleep, only waking up a couple times. I feel great right now. You know what’s going to suck though? I’ll probably be up until noon tomorrow and sleep all fucking day.

Even when I was in the Navy, and I had to be awake at 6:30am every day, I’d still stay up most of the night. We got a two hour lunch every day–we were supposed to use it for errands and excercise. However, I’d spend that 2 hours trying to sleep. Of course it would take me an hour to fall asleep. I’d get an hour nap and go back to work at 1pm.

When I worked at Activision I had to be at work at 8:30am. To get to work on time, I’d have to wake up no later than 6am. Normal people would get ready for bed around 10pm right? Not me. I’d stay up well past midnight, unable to sleep. I’d get about 4-5 hours at night and be exhausted all day. But as SOON as I got off of work I’d be wide awake and ready to party. Funny how that works eh?

When I was in the Navy and we went overseas, we’d spend a good 2 weeks out and a coupel of days in some foreign port. I’d stay out all night with my friends. Normally we wouldn’t even go to sleep, and then go straight to work in the morning. All day long I’d be absolutely worthless, even with my naps at lunchtime. All day long I’d think of how I couldn’t wait for work to be over so I could go to sleep. 5pm would roll around and all of a sudden… I’d be wide awake! I couldn’t sleep when everyone was going out! So I’d stay out all night again, and the cycle would repeat itself.

Naps. Who doesn’t love a good nap? My normal schedule is asleep at 4 and awake at noon. If I don’t get my 8, or even 6 hours, I’ll be sooo tired at around 5 or 6pm and need a good nap.

My internal clock has worked against me my whole life. It makes me miserable at times. No matter what I’ve tried, I just can’t seem to be a normal person.

Normal is boring, anyway.

Yesterday I woke up around noon, and went upstairs for my customary cup of coffee. My mom was in the kitchen, and said to me that Kari (a friend of the family) was in Maui recently on vacation. OK, that’s not unusual. And?

Turns out that Kari and her husband stopped in at Cheesburger In Paradise on Maui and saw someone that looked familiar. This person looked familiar to Kari as well. They talk, put 2 and 2 together, and come to find out that they do indeed know each other.

It was Cindy, my ex. Cindy, my last girlfriend. That gal from 5 years ago. The girl I dated for over four years, lived with, loved, and everything.

Cindy is married, living in Maui, and working at said establishment. Well I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised. Shocked even. Married?

I said to my mom, “Well good for her, I hope she’s found happiness. I was worried about Cindy for awhile.” And I left it at that. I wish I could have left it at that.

Since that moment I’ve been thinking about Cindy. Married. Why do I keep thinking about this? Cindy was so yesteryear, five years ago, an old and forgotten chapter in the life of Tom Bissell. Why does the fact that she’s now married affect me in any way?

I lay awake in bed last night running through all the possibliities. I felt a bit like Paul Giamatti’s character in Sideways. You know, when he freaks out about his ex getting married. Why should I care about Cindy at all, or what’s happened in her life? I haven’t seen or talked or heard anything about Cindy in a good four years. But now I can’t get her out of my mind.

Moving to Maui and having a job and getting married are all measures of success, I reckon. I admire her for leaving her lifelong home of California to live in paradise. But all that stuff matters not to me, when you remove marriage from the equation. Marriage?

Cindy always told me that she never wanted to be married. She didn’t believe in it. That was always fine with me, I have never had any desire to be married and I still don’t. So why do I care if SHE is married?

Unable to sleep, unable to shake the thoughts from my mind I tried to numb my thoughts with various activities. I tried in vain to think about something else. Why does it still bother me so?

Then today I had an epiphany. I realized something. Cindy wasn’t saying to me that she didn’t ever want to get married. What she was really saying was “I don’t want to marry you.”

I guess. I think. I mean, a lot can happen in five years. My life has changed dramatically since then. She could have met the right guy and changed her mind. Married?

I’m not hurt. I’m not feeling nostalgic. I say I’m happy for her, but am I? It continues to dominate my thoughts. I know I shouldn’t care, that it shouldn’t affect me, but it does. Perhaps a blow to my ego? How foolish to think that she’d carry a torch for me to her grave.

It took a while for me to get over the breakup, five years ago. It wasn’t until a year later that I felt OK again, whole again, an individual, and free. It was another year after that, that I felt fine and stopped thinking about her at all. Three years have passed and I have rarely thought about her. And now I can’t stop thinking about all the things that might have brought her to her current situation.

At first, when mom told me the news, I thought, “Ah hell. This will probably be on my mind for the next couple days. This morning I thought it might be a week or so.” Now I’m not so sure.

How ridiculous this all is. Life sure is a funny thing.